1. getting started
- you signal your desire to talk with a simple opening line based on something both of you are observing or experiencing in your shared surroundings
- "hot enough for you?"
2. personal introduction
- mention something about yourself, state your name if appropriate and provide hints for topics to talk about
- "it seems like the whole city is on vacation this week"
3. pre-topical exploration:
- you and your conversation partner are looking for common ground
- this is a good time to ask questions, and to refer back to and build upon things said earlier
- "did you get a chance to get away this summer?"
- when the other person introduces a topic, you should respond, or quickly offer an alternative
4. post-topical elaboration:
- your job is to keep the conversation going. good conversation is topic-building, so you should make links between subjects
- "i took a 'staycation' and saw some excellent movies"
5. wrap-up:
- signal that the end is near and show appreciation
- demonstrate that you were listening by summarizing highlights of the conversation
- have a line ready for when you want the conversation to end
- "nice chatting with you." "thanks for those movie recommendations."
- "as much as I've enjoyed our conversation, i'll let you continue with your evening."
- look for a way to stay in touch, offer a business card or ask if the person is on facebook
keep in mind:
- be careful not to talk too much. this means you should avoid your favorite topic, whether it is yoga or your kid's soccer tournament
- don't let the other person hog all the airtime, either. if this starts to happen, mention something about yourself when he or she takes a breath. bad small-talkers are too self-critical, so they shut themselves down
- ask a lot of questions. people love to talk about themselves and often will think you are a great conversationalist if you talk about them and not yourself
- don't let the conversation stall after the person has answered—be ready with follow-up questions or build on the topic. for example: ask people what they do for fun
- avoid obvious inquiries
- listening is crucial. Dan has learned to summarize what the other person says. ("so you think that…" or "so what you're saying is…") a conversation can go on indefinitely if you do this
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