becoming a better conversationalist

5 stages of a successful small talk conversation:

1. getting started

- you signal your desire to talk with a simple opening line based on something both of you are observing or experiencing in your shared surroundings

- "hot enough for you?"

2. personal introduction

- mention something about yourself, state your name if appropriate and provide hints for topics to talk about

- "it seems like the whole city is on vacation this week"

3. pre-topical exploration: 

- you and your conversation partner are looking for common ground

- this is a good time to ask questions, and to refer back to and build upon things said earlier

- "did you get a chance to get away this summer?" 

- when the other person introduces a topic, you should respond, or quickly offer an alternative

4. post-topical elaboration: 

- your job is to keep the conversation going. good conversation is topic-building, so you should make links between subjects

- "i took a 'staycation' and saw some excellent movies"

5. wrap-up: 

- signal that the end is near and show appreciation 

- demonstrate that you were listening by summarizing highlights of the conversation

- have a line ready for when you want the conversation to end

- "nice chatting with you." "thanks for those movie recommendations."

- "as much as I've enjoyed our conversation, i'll let you continue with your evening." 

- look for a way to stay in touch, offer a business card or ask if the person is on facebook

keep in mind:

- be careful not to talk too much. this means you should avoid your favorite topic, whether it is yoga or your kid's soccer tournament

- don't let the other person hog all the airtime, either. if this starts to happen, mention something about yourself when he or she takes a breath. bad small-talkers are too self-critical, so they shut themselves down

- ask a lot of questions. people love to talk about themselves and often will think you are a great conversationalist if you talk about them and not yourself

- don't let the conversation stall after the person has answered—be ready with follow-up questions or build on the topic. for example: ask people what they do for fun

- avoid obvious inquiries

- listening is crucial. Dan has learned to summarize what the other person says. ("so you think that…" or "so what you're saying is…") a conversation can go on indefinitely if you do this

35 things learned by 35

came across this article randomly and can totally relate.  wanted to document here as a reminder for myself while i (slowly, thank god) approach 35.

some highlights:

4. Take time to discover your purpose. A life without purpose is a life of despair. Purpose is different than ambition. Ambition may bring in the big bucks, but something will still be missing. A purpose driven life creates an abundance of meaning and  fulfillment.

6. Lead with your heart, not your mind. Your heart won’t lead you astray.

9. Friends change. Celebrate the good times and let go. Letting go makes space for new people who are in a present time alignment to enter your life.

20. Every relationship is a mirror. Whatever judgments you have about others are reflecting that which exists inside you. Use your resistances as a map to direct you where you need to heal.

24. Real happiness only exists in the present moment. If you are anxious or fearful, you are in the future. If you are resentful or sad, you are stuck in the past.

31. Don’t look for an amazing person to come into your life. Be an amazing person.

Full list: 35 things i'm happy i learned by age 35

people don't care about the quality of your work..

they only care about how much better you can make their work

therefore:

• ask others how you can help, or what they need from you
• market yourself not by telling them what you've done in the past but how you can add value to them

stop worrying about the quality of your work

to increase productivity...

don't check email first thing in the morning, instead, devote the first 90 minutes to the most important or challenging task of the day.

• decide on the task the night before

• following a deliberate break – even just a few minutes — will make you feel refreshed and ready to face the rest of the day

• as day goes on, energy and attention tend to wear off while distractions tend to increase

• breathe deeply for as little as 1 minute – in to a count of three, out to a count of six – can quiet your mind, calm your emotions and clear your bloodstream of the stress hormone cortisol

• it’s better to work highly focused for short periods of time, with breaks in between, than to be partially focused for long periods of time

similar principle: promodoro technique

1. decide on the task to be done
2. set the pomodoro (timer) to 25 minute
3. work on the task until the timer rings; record with an x
4. take a short break (3-5 minutes)
5. every four "pomodori" take a longer break (15–30 minutes)

30 is not the new 20

30 is not the new 20 - claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, leverage weak ties, choose your family intentionally

meg jay: why 30 is not the new 20

non verbal language and its impact on power perception

"fake it till you become it"

amy cuddy: your body language shapes who you are

lust. romantic love. attachment.

what a great reminder of the magic of romantic love:

helen fisher: why we love, why we cheat

what is romantic love?
- the person takes on special meaning
- total focus on one person
- endless energy, mood swings, emotional dependence
- sexually possessive with darwinian roots
- intense craving to be with a person sexually and emotionally
- motivation: want this person
- obsession: think about him/her all day all night
- would die for the person
- a drive, not an emotion: brain activity (rise in dopamine level) similar to rush from cocaine

3 brain systems: built to reproduce
1. lust/sex drive: evolved to get you to look for the person
2. romantic love: evolved to get you to be involved with the person
3. attachment: evolved to get you to stay together to bear offsprings

note to self..

need to learn the art of building followership.. 

hard power. soft power. smart power.

received my leverage inventory report yesterday, need to work on cultivating smart power, starting with:
coalition:
- be strategic about building my network: key stakeholders, future supporters, mentors, influential figures
- leverage current network more effectively
- align ahead of time for efficient consensus building

might:
- speaking up, saying no
- use authority and delegate/outsource
- be comfortable with confronting negative performance and have difficult conversation

agency:
- take initiative, be proactive
- be creative with solutions
- bend rules, find ways to work around rules and obstacles

pathos:
- tell stories to arouse emotions

and lastly, BE MALLEABLE! pick and choose the right tool to use for the right occasion and people.

more to come later.

"pride is what gets in the way between your ears and your mouth" -- Ron Schapiro 

should let go of my pride and just listen and observe more often.

last two months of my academic life, decided to start a blog to document and capture past and ongoing learnings.  starting with one of my favorite TED talks:

simon sinek: how great leaders inspire action

key takeaways: 

• people don't buy what you do but why you do it
• why - how - what: start from what you believe